this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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