Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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