she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Of course I have a pirate flag
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
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