Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Randomize
