Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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