i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
