My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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