i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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