the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
It's shark week go big or go home
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
