WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
that is very illegal...i love you.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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