woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
