My hand turned me down
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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