Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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