My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
