That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I love you.
Bad choice
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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