i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
