i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
