i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize