i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
