I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize