well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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