I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
