i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
