Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
