On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize