someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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