I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
