She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
