Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
