I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
