Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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