I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
