We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
