The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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