So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
