god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
