Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
