I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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