Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I just googled if crying burns calories
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
