There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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