What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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