everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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