I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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