Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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