Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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