I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
