Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
