the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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