im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
