I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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