I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
