Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Screwed.edu
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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