She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
