idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
