Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
