You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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