Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
