dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
